One numpty and a whole lotta love

Oi! Terrorists! Listen up dudes cos this is getting overly dull, and no one likes overly dull on a Monday, they're bad enough as it is, thanks. So yeah, YOU bellend, get those ears at the ready....I mean I know you're not particularly bothered by inconvenient facts and shit, but I'm giving you my two penneth (medieval monetary value, essentially borrowed from about the same time as your ideology) so listen up.

Right, first off, terrorism bad, obvs... but also foolish. It doesn't work with us Brits and if you think so you're a numpty. Your mate who agrees with you is a numpty. Whoever condones, sanctions or concurs with your whacked out ideas is a numpty. The list of numpties goes on, you lot are taking the numpty biscuits, and frankly anyone that sounds like a cross between an angry potato and a rather uncomfortable chair, well, you can't scare me, so big fail fail to you, you NUMPTY.

Secondly, lets address a few things. What you did in recent weeks was vile. Goes without saying (even though I've just said it). But what you ain't reckoning on is us Brits. I know it's been said before, we've experienced terrorism before and probably will do again thanks to your your numpty rumpty ways. But let me count things down for you.

So, to London. I mean, douchebag, we've been here before!! Before you lot and your backward ways, before the IRA, before the Nazis, hell, people have attempted to destroy my home town more than I can remember, and certainly more than you can, what with your brain the size of a mentally deficient fruit fly. Jeepers, people have been trying to have it since James I's time (or VI of Scotland, lets not leave out our Caledonian chums) and then some, have they knocked us down yet? Have they heck! Instead our house prices just go up, our population expands, and people flood to this city the world over for good times & to create lives they want to live.... in freedom. Think you're gonna defeat us? I think not you bellend. The only things we get defeated by are (& not necessarily in this order)

1. Leaves on the line
2. Snow on the line
3. Most things on the line
4. Pret running out of them lovely cheese and ham toasties before lunchtime (rare, but it has happened. Mmmm, I love them toasties. Think it must be the mustard)
5. Top Shop on a Saturday
6. Tube strikes (even then we're not defeated, more just pissed off cos, y'know, queues....)
7. House prices
8. People walking slowly down Oxford Street
9. Buses changing destinations without any good reason WHATSOEVER. FFS. I mean, who does that?
10. Annoying kids listening to shit music out loud without even the grace and decency of a headphone (NB am sure this is not restricted to London alone, just decent minded people the world over)

See your name here buddy? See your actions or your consequences? You think you're putting off people from coming to my HOME TOWN?? Hellll no, and the fact you think you will see your name in my top ten just goes to show what an absolute numpty you are. There. I said it again. Numpty.

Now to Manchester. I was blessed enough to live up them there northern ways for a few years, and I learned a lot you could do with taking a note of. First of all Mancunians are hilarious. I mean, these are a people who despite your efforts to hurt them, went out and got their own skins permanently (and painfully) etched with a tattoo just to flick you the bird (or the working bee as it happens). D'you hear that? In response to you trying to hurt them, they went and hurt themselves as protest? Not only a fantastic sense of humour, but they're hard as nails, don't f*ck with them.

And speaking of comedy, this is a town where it essentially pisses down with rain approximately 98% of the year, but yet create some of the most joyous things you could put in your ears ever. They create epic music known the world over, I mean, have you listened to some of it? The Stone Roses, Joy Division, Oasis, Elbow, fuck, they've even got a band called the Happy Mondays. Essentially a band named after being chirpy on the worst day of the week! And if Mondays aint gonna lower the mood of a Mancunian, you think you are? Pffft. You've never been to Manchester have you? 

It's a part of the world that puts pies in bread rolls just for japes and call it dinner. If cholesterol and heart attacks don't phase them, you and your small minded (if somewhat explodey) activities come way down the list on scary things they'll encounter that day, and don't even get me started on their mushy peas... But how did Manchester respond to your toe-rag activities? Well, they all became even better mates, helping each other out, and throwing a massive bloody concert to have a good time, probably getting a wee bit tiddly in the process and turning up for work late the next day. Take that literally, and party.

So while the North and South may divide themselves on flat vowels, HS2, how much to pay for a pint and football (it's always football) one thing we do agree on is you, and how we ain't taking your shit. Northern or Southern we aint got time for that nonsense. We're too busy enjoying our lives, listening to good music, eating pies (bread rolls not withstanding), hooning it down the street with a pint in our hands (while not spilling a drop) and generally revelling in the freedom that our country gives us. So eff off you twat, and take all your twatty mates with you, we have no time for you or your foolhardy shenanigans, and even less inclination.

Fucking numpty.