My Big Fat Election Diary Part 1

Now, as some as you who read this may know, there's nothing I like better than a political ding-dong, and right now in the U S of A, there's a ding-dong going on of epic proportions. It is ding-dongtastic, and from a purely voyeuristic point of view, I'm loving it. In recent weeks I've been hooked on all things American political. I've been keeping a firm eye on CNN and Fox News (calm down peeps, I do it in the same way that I occasionally cast my eye over the toxic misogyny ridden pages of the Daily Mail – purely to keep an eye on the enemy) and boy, this election is not disappointing, unfortunately in a very terrifying kinda way. However, slightly more fortunately, I have a foot on both sides of the Atlantic, a home in the UK and an adopted bolthole in New Jersey, that of my Dad's house. So when Dad invited me out to visit him this November, what could I do but take him up on his offer? I wanted to watch this political shit show in action. This election after all is very much a spectator sport, and I've got me a ring side seat..... with pretzels (crappy Bud Lites optional).

So here I am stateside and counting down the days. Several friends have been much amused with my dedication to the cause, and requested regular updates on the circus that this election has descended into, so what better than a Big Fat Election Diary?

Day 1

I arrived last night, and although not yet fully immersed into elect-o-mania, I have already seen my first indication of voting choices.... That of the yard sign. No cheap A4 coloured posters a la Blighty elections, oh no, it's a full stick it in your garden and pronounce in a VERY LARGE FONT your electoral preferences to all and sundry. Alas the first I spied was a Trump sign, or to be precise a Trump-Pence yard sign, lest we forget vice presidential candidates. Now apart from triggering that immediate sicky, stomach in back of your throat feeling one gets when one zips over a humpback bridge too fast, these  pro-Trump signs have induced another unexpected phenomenon. That of a Mary Poppins ear worm. How unexpectedly British (putting to one side Dick van Dyke's squiffy mockney accent), I can't believe I've never noticed it before, and now I can't stop humming it. Unfortunately it's less feed the birds, and more feed the incessant & draining 24 hour news cycle, but still it's Trumpence a bag. Trumpence, Trumpence, Trumpence a bag. Consider this earworm my electoral gift to you dear readers, and enjoy. Then vote sensibly please. Ta v much.

Foot pump not included

Day 2

Well, here's a turn up for the books! We know America is the bastion of all things commercial. After all, the American dream is a capitalist's wet one, soggy sheets n all, but today I espied something entirely new. That of the presidential candidate sex doll. Oh yes, for where there's a dollar bill there's a way, and one to be fully enjoyed with the swift intervention of a of bicycle pump (which somehow seems entirely appropriate given Trump's readily inflated ego). Now I'm fully not having a go at the Yanks here, that American dream is an admirable one, if you work hard you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps and succeed, no matter what your background. It's an optimistic one (hastily glossing over the fact that often equality of ambition is entirely negated by an inequality of opportunity) so I don't want any American readers to think I'm entirely taking the piss with my British accent and grumbling rancour at having lost the colonies to a bunch of gun toting rebels. Howevs, there are some things that I just couldn't imagine rearing their head in a British general election.... and prime ministerial sex dolls are definitely one of them. We have neither the imagination, nor, looking at the vast array of wet blankets we have continually competing for the number 10 spot, do we have the inclination. And for that USA, I salute you, and remind you to have a puncture repair kit on had come November 9^th.

Day 3

I don't want to know about her
oval orifice

Never have I been so glad for the very British concept of a 'snap election'. I heard a rumour recently that Theresa May was considering calling one this year, no doubt Brexit related, and from what I understand from chatting to various Americans they would be eternally jealous of such eventuality. From repeat viewings of The West Wing (Josh Lyman, President Bartlett & Co. your deadline for saving the world is getting pretty close, so please do hurry on over) I know just how long these elections can drag on. But in reality 22 one hour episodes can never induce the absolute look of zombification you see when gazing into the average American set of peepers right about now.Any and every time I mention the dreaded E word to them (& just before they comment on how much I sound & even look like North London songstress Adele... don't ask) their eyes glaze over with despair at what has been a very lengthy campaign. I mean, this shit has been going on for the best part of 18 months. EIGHTEEN MONTHS!!! That's the average gestation period for a killer whale and the end result might end up being almost as deadly. No wonder these folks are despairing so. People talk about Trump being a protest vote, a kick back at the establishment, and I can understand that, if only on the basis of the length of this electoral campaign. It's like the Hundred Years War.... with more advertising & less crossbows. In the UK, Quintin Hogg talked the system being an elective dictatorship, implying that the only day that true democracy really exists is election day, and ONLY election day. Well yours is coming soon America, so make the most of it. It's been a long time coming.

Well speaking of the end in sight, that's enough of Sophington's Big Fat Electoral Diary for today. I'm off to beds, beauty sleep and a likeness to Adele don't come without some decent beauty sleep y'know. Just please don't ask me to sing.

More coming soon......

Y'say WHO is King? Go tell that to Elvis

PS: Once again, I want to state for any American friends out there, I'm categorically not dissing you guys. I'm not even saying that our British way of doing things is any better, nor are our candidates much more appealing (though admittedly any bar set by a genital grabbing, tax dodging racist is pretty low). I mean, we still have legislative branch made up predominantly by a bunch of old, white, entitled, posh dudes appointed either by a chance of birth or by cronyism. So there's no superiority coming from this direction. I'm genuinely coming from a place of intrigue and curiosity, fuelled by a West Wing addiction that knows very few bounds. So please don't think I'm insulting you or your country, and take my witterings in the way they are intended. And please, please, please don't come after me with an AR15. Thanks v much.