My Big Fat Election Diary Part 3

Day 5: ELECTION DAY

Donut? What donut?

So here I've been, out in the ole US of A, intrigued by the machinations and excited in a rather weird pervy way for the outcome of this election. And putting to one side the amusements of previous days, today has been a big day. Y'see, not only am I lucky enough to have a Dad based in the US for me to have a homestead from which to observe the goings on of an American election, but also he has some friends who absolutely don't mind involving a random Brit in their election day activities.

The first highlight of the day was at my Dad's girlfriend's polling station. Now, I don't know where I got this from but I've had this notion that Americans give out free food on Election Day. I think the West Wing that gets the blame for this, I am sure someone gave out waffles on Election Day? I have been contradicted by several people on this point but when I saw donuts at her polling station, I made a beeline for them, and helped myself. Upon scoffing at least half it turns out that these donuts were not only not intended for random Brits with a predilection for pastries, or indeed for yer run of the mill voters, they were in fact electoral staff snacks.. And here comes this Brit just snaffling them at will, putting firmly to pay the theory that Brits are naturally imbued with manners, decorum and etiquette that Yanks could only dream of. Oops. My only saving grace was that they were paid for by the local Republican candidate, who looked only too pleased to meet a potential voter covered in chocolate frosting.... until he found out not only was I not a potential voter, but that the closest I would ever get to a Republican is bellowing OFF WITH HER HEAD at dear Queeny should I ever get the chance. Ach well. Onwards and upwards I thought, and bring on the waffles.

Stage 2 of democracy day came courtesy of my Dad's mate Peggy. We'd never met, but as a Democratic volunteer hearing about my interest in all things American electoral, she asked if i'd like to join her in getting out the vote.... Fast forward from that very kind invitation and you get my second highlight... GETTING OUT THE VOTE! Upon opening my mouth at Fishtown (weird name I know, but lets gloss over) Vote Hillary HQ, I was met with an enthusiastic welcome. Not only were they grateful for all and any volunteers but they were especially taken with the idea of a Brit lending a hand. And I wasn't alone. Apparently they'd had visitors from Sweden, Australia and even New Zealand who had flown over to lend a hand in ensuring that the orange faced, hamster haired, click bait candidate didn't get a sniff of the White House. So armed with a script and a clipboard, out I went with Peggy, knocking on doors for all we were worth, alas only let down by the fact that no one actually appeared to be at home. Out of the 80 or so doors on which we knocked, we only met 2 people, one of whom was heading out to vote, and the other was soon to do so. Although I would've loved to have seen more, we did our job, and if our small part in encouraging people to go and vote (but yet never telling them for whom upon to lay their democratic hat, after all, I wouldn't like it if a Yank told me what to do in a British election) makes a difference, I'm glad. I took part... and I got a free donut out of it. Actually a donut and a 'munchkin' (a donut in miniature for the uninitiated) handed to me by a local Senator's wife at a local polling station at the end of the day.... yes I met a Senator too, and I got more baked goods. And frankly, who wouldn't love that?

It was odd y'know, in fact with results only just coming in and a large glass of booze in hand, it still is odd, knowing I've taken part in an international election. But the thing is, this election has an impact, and not just in the States. It has the potential to affect the rest of the world, no matter whom the winner. After all, whoever wins they are, apparently, going to be the leader of The Free World. Commander in chief of one of the biggest militaries on the globe with potentially an itchy trigger finger over the nuclear button. It impacts upon us all. Hopefully for the better, but who knows? Only a crystal ball set 4 years in the future will be able to tell us. All I know is I've done my bit, this citizen of the world has contributed, and most importantly, I was right all along about the pastries. TAKE THAT AMERICA!

Pre-emptive celebrations?

My Big Fat Election Diary Part 2

Day 4:

Your local senate candidate

Another day, another dollar, or so the saying goes. Or indeed in the world of Sophington Towers, another American election observation.... and today's is on necks. Necks you say? Yes. Necks. Weird I know but I've clocked this recurring theme in this here political shitshow, and it is that of the neck... or lack thereof. American politicians are very good at a photoshoot I've noticed, them with kids, snuggling the obligatory baby, looking serious in schools/workplaces/ construction sites etc, all to show off their connection with REAL people, ie potential voters. However in said photoshoots what I've observed is just how many of them seem to go straight from shoulders to head, no neck in between. Like the impending weight of political responsibility has squished their very bonce onto their shoulders, leaving no room for actual neckage and rendering them rather turtle like in return. Some might say that some of the candidates standing for election have a lot of brass neck in requesting we vote for them considering their recent actions, statements and misdemeanors, others might suggest that they are afraid to put their neck on the line, but do so they just, even if we don't agree with everything they say. Weird but true.

And speaking of necks on the line, it's time to put mine on. Well and truly. Cos, and hear me out peeps, I've got something to say about Trump supporters, and it aint all bad. Y'see I know most Brits, and indeed rest of the world, stand agape, mouths wide in horror at the prospect of Trump becoming President. It makes no sense to us (in fact in a recent survey, apparently only a mere 10% of the British public questioned would consider voting for Trump) but the more conversations I have, and the more news I am watching, I can kinda understand the appeal.... to some.

Now, don't get me wrong, I would never vote Trump, even if I did have the right to. He is abhorrent to me, and rightly so with all of his lies, misogyny and inane rantings... not to mention the hair. But he does have that appeal to a certain proportion of the population, and it's not dissimilar to our very own British shit show. That of Brexit. The way I viewed Brexit is that not all Brexiteers were evil, racist, small minded idiots. Granted some were and the Leave vote gave license to many of them to behave in such a way, but there was also a huge swathe of the population that responded to the call to leave with what they felt were very valid reasons. A huge chunk of society that used Brexit as a protest vote at the complete disenfranchisement they felt, a complete removal from the machinations of Whitehall. They felt belittled and worthless following years of being ignored by what has been termed the London, or metropolitan, elite. And I get it, I really do. I don't agree with how they used their Brexit vote to say so, but I can see where they came from. And the situation here in America isn't that dissimilar.

When you got this man supporting you,
you know you're in trouble

There are pockets, even states of people who have felt ignored by Washington for years. They've seen their jobs disappear overseas with no income, retraining or even bloomin jobs to replace them. Simultaneously while their incomes have disappeared, their cost of living has risen due to the corrupt and irresponsible actions of Wall Street and these voters see politicians courting those very institutions that brought recession, job loss and despair to their doorsteps. They are consequently suffering extreme financial instability, seeing little or no hope for their children's future. Compound this with an education system that has in certain geographical areas, suffered under investment for decades, leaving them to encourage their children into careers where violent death or injury is a very real daily possibility (the military) just as a route out of poverty. I mean, that aint right is it? These voters have been complaining for years, but just like with the London political elite, Washington hasn't listened. And now they are reaping the consequences in the form of a candidate that tells these people what they want to hear, even if you and I know he's never going to follow through. It's just like the £350m-a-week to the NHS pledge that the Brexiteers trotted out, only to find out the day after the referendum that this was a big fat lie that no one would ever have implemented, could never have implemented, it was just a tactic to capture votes. Sound familiar Donald? No wonder he's had Nigel Farage out here stumping for him.

So to certain people, I understand Trump's appeal. This is a man who they feel is speaking their language, even if he isn't paying his taxes. He's speaking to them, about them, and it's the first time a politician has done that in years. Why wouldn't they respond? At last they aren't being ignored. They are the ones being courted instead of left out in the cold, they feel involved, enfranchised, engaged.

Tbis. Just this.

Now, obviously this isn't all Trump voters. There are those 'ist's out there. The racist, sexist, bible bashing, tub thumping, die hard Republicans for whom I have no words, and even less regard. And there are also some very smart & lovely people voting for Trump who I have a lot of time for and am pleased to call my friends, well, friend. And if you're reading this buddy, you know who you are. I can't fathom your reasons, but you have them and I respect your right to do so. When this shit show is over, I'll still be your little commie pinko, and you'll still be my favourite fascist friend. And that's ok. But when those from overseas are watching this election with mostly fear in your heart for the state of the world should Trump get into power, please don't dismiss all of America (or at least the popular vote) in one fell swoop, and please remember it's not that simple. After all, these things rarely are.

My Big Fat Election Diary Part 1

Now, as some as you who read this may know, there's nothing I like better than a political ding-dong, and right now in the U S of A, there's a ding-dong going on of epic proportions. It is ding-dongtastic, and from a purely voyeuristic point of view, I'm loving it. In recent weeks I've been hooked on all things American political. I've been keeping a firm eye on CNN and Fox News (calm down peeps, I do it in the same way that I occasionally cast my eye over the toxic misogyny ridden pages of the Daily Mail – purely to keep an eye on the enemy) and boy, this election is not disappointing, unfortunately in a very terrifying kinda way. However, slightly more fortunately, I have a foot on both sides of the Atlantic, a home in the UK and an adopted bolthole in New Jersey, that of my Dad's house. So when Dad invited me out to visit him this November, what could I do but take him up on his offer? I wanted to watch this political shit show in action. This election after all is very much a spectator sport, and I've got me a ring side seat..... with pretzels (crappy Bud Lites optional).

So here I am stateside and counting down the days. Several friends have been much amused with my dedication to the cause, and requested regular updates on the circus that this election has descended into, so what better than a Big Fat Election Diary?

Day 1

I arrived last night, and although not yet fully immersed into elect-o-mania, I have already seen my first indication of voting choices.... That of the yard sign. No cheap A4 coloured posters a la Blighty elections, oh no, it's a full stick it in your garden and pronounce in a VERY LARGE FONT your electoral preferences to all and sundry. Alas the first I spied was a Trump sign, or to be precise a Trump-Pence yard sign, lest we forget vice presidential candidates. Now apart from triggering that immediate sicky, stomach in back of your throat feeling one gets when one zips over a humpback bridge too fast, these  pro-Trump signs have induced another unexpected phenomenon. That of a Mary Poppins ear worm. How unexpectedly British (putting to one side Dick van Dyke's squiffy mockney accent), I can't believe I've never noticed it before, and now I can't stop humming it. Unfortunately it's less feed the birds, and more feed the incessant & draining 24 hour news cycle, but still it's Trumpence a bag. Trumpence, Trumpence, Trumpence a bag. Consider this earworm my electoral gift to you dear readers, and enjoy. Then vote sensibly please. Ta v much.

Foot pump not included

Day 2

Well, here's a turn up for the books! We know America is the bastion of all things commercial. After all, the American dream is a capitalist's wet one, soggy sheets n all, but today I espied something entirely new. That of the presidential candidate sex doll. Oh yes, for where there's a dollar bill there's a way, and one to be fully enjoyed with the swift intervention of a of bicycle pump (which somehow seems entirely appropriate given Trump's readily inflated ego). Now I'm fully not having a go at the Yanks here, that American dream is an admirable one, if you work hard you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps and succeed, no matter what your background. It's an optimistic one (hastily glossing over the fact that often equality of ambition is entirely negated by an inequality of opportunity) so I don't want any American readers to think I'm entirely taking the piss with my British accent and grumbling rancour at having lost the colonies to a bunch of gun toting rebels. Howevs, there are some things that I just couldn't imagine rearing their head in a British general election.... and prime ministerial sex dolls are definitely one of them. We have neither the imagination, nor, looking at the vast array of wet blankets we have continually competing for the number 10 spot, do we have the inclination. And for that USA, I salute you, and remind you to have a puncture repair kit on had come November 9^th.

Day 3

I don't want to know about her
oval orifice

Never have I been so glad for the very British concept of a 'snap election'. I heard a rumour recently that Theresa May was considering calling one this year, no doubt Brexit related, and from what I understand from chatting to various Americans they would be eternally jealous of such eventuality. From repeat viewings of The West Wing (Josh Lyman, President Bartlett & Co. your deadline for saving the world is getting pretty close, so please do hurry on over) I know just how long these elections can drag on. But in reality 22 one hour episodes can never induce the absolute look of zombification you see when gazing into the average American set of peepers right about now.Any and every time I mention the dreaded E word to them (& just before they comment on how much I sound & even look like North London songstress Adele... don't ask) their eyes glaze over with despair at what has been a very lengthy campaign. I mean, this shit has been going on for the best part of 18 months. EIGHTEEN MONTHS!!! That's the average gestation period for a killer whale and the end result might end up being almost as deadly. No wonder these folks are despairing so. People talk about Trump being a protest vote, a kick back at the establishment, and I can understand that, if only on the basis of the length of this electoral campaign. It's like the Hundred Years War.... with more advertising & less crossbows. In the UK, Quintin Hogg talked the system being an elective dictatorship, implying that the only day that true democracy really exists is election day, and ONLY election day. Well yours is coming soon America, so make the most of it. It's been a long time coming.

Well speaking of the end in sight, that's enough of Sophington's Big Fat Electoral Diary for today. I'm off to beds, beauty sleep and a likeness to Adele don't come without some decent beauty sleep y'know. Just please don't ask me to sing.

More coming soon......

Y'say WHO is King? Go tell that to Elvis

PS: Once again, I want to state for any American friends out there, I'm categorically not dissing you guys. I'm not even saying that our British way of doing things is any better, nor are our candidates much more appealing (though admittedly any bar set by a genital grabbing, tax dodging racist is pretty low). I mean, we still have legislative branch made up predominantly by a bunch of old, white, entitled, posh dudes appointed either by a chance of birth or by cronyism. So there's no superiority coming from this direction. I'm genuinely coming from a place of intrigue and curiosity, fuelled by a West Wing addiction that knows very few bounds. So please don't think I'm insulting you or your country, and take my witterings in the way they are intended. And please, please, please don't come after me with an AR15. Thanks v much.