The Ten Swimmandments

There are few things in life that bug me, but perhaps none so much as swimming pool etiquette. Having banged on upon this topic previously, I’ve decided to take a stand (if having a rant on a little read blog can be described as taking a stand) and have drawn up my own commandments, or ‘swimmandments’ if you will. So read on while I head off to find myself a photocopier, and in the meantime, I’ll see you in the deep end....

No running!
But walking on water is fine

THE TEN SWIMMANDMENTS

1. Thou shalt not make false idols of the swimming floats.... nor use one in the middle or a fast lanes.

2. Thou shalt not idolize any other rules than these, as these are correct (but still, no smoking, running or fondling in the deep end).

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the lifeguard in vain... especially when s/he asks thou to stop doing an antisocial, excessively splashy butterfly. The lifeguard is right and butterfly is for twits with nothing better than show off their ill acquired watery prowess.

4. Remember the changing rooms, keep them holy… or at least clean & free of all toenail clippings/ pubic hair shavings.

5. Honour thy fellow swimmer. If thou is swimming too slowly & subsequently asked to shift lanes, thou shalt not throw a tizz just because thou is a hunky, bulky man swimmer, and the person who has asked thou is a chunky ginger girl (who happens to be faster than thou, get over it).

6. Thou shalt not murder anyone, even if they have crashed into thou while swimming backstroke. Basically, thou is probably in the wrong place or swimming too slowly, thus thou has brought it all upon thouself. 

If God is a lifeguard, I'm getting me to church

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, frolic, snog or get up to any other kind of mischief that should be kept at home. Just because it’s called the deep end, it doesn’t mean anyone should be fondling your deep end. Put it away love. 

8. Thou shalt not steal my place in the lane. it is rude. If thou wishes to overtake, thou should only do so on a clear signal from thou fellow swimmers. Don’t assume I'm dithering at the end of my lane, I'm probably waiting for ole slowpoke to get far enough away from me that I don't crash into them (see swimmandment 6). 

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thous neighbour, discussing at length Tabitha’s latest balletic achievement or Tarquin’s mastery of the clarinet. Frankly, the swimming pool is no place for a mother’s meeting, and none of us is interested in the dubious achievements of thou’s yummy mummy offspring. 

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s pace, instead thou shalt swim at the appropriate pace for your lane. See sub swimmandments 5, 6 and 7.

So, now we've got that all agreed, I expect to see you all down at your local pool, forming a nice orderly lane, swimming at the correct speed. But if I catch you rummaging in your deep end (or that of anyone else), there will indeed be hell to pay.