Madonna and Me

STOP PRESS! HOLD THE FRONT PAGE! Madonna has only gone and taken a tumble and, oh, hang on, you knew that already. Well frankly, who could miss it? In the last 24 hours it has been all over the papers, to say nothing of the ubiquitous meme spreading like wildfire across social media. Happily for me the shock was not in the fact she went A over T after her cape (Armani, natch) was yanked from behind, causing her to unceremoniously cease mid warble. No, it was more that finally, eventually, I have something in common with the Queen of Pop. Not for me her crotch flashing ways (less her Madge-isty than her Vag-esty), nor the ‘come too close and I’ll have yer eye out’ bras of the 90s, however falling on your ass in front of a room full of people, yup, you and I Madge, we got that NAILED.

Now much to my annoyance, I’ve been clumsy my whole life. I’ve fallen down things, over things, up things and into things for as long as I can remember. The almost falling off stage during a school play aged 13 was a particular high, saved only by the strong armed, swift actions of the string section of our school orchestra, heaving the chair I was sat upon back onto stage.  However, my accidentally prone nature has not just limited itself to falling, oh no siree. I’ve had boobs pop out at inopportune moments (unlike Madonna who always seemed to know exactly what she was doing when she released her puppies). I’ve hiccupped tea mid swallow, subsequently shooting it out of both my nose & mouth simultaneously, dousing both myself and my colleagues in a not so fine mist of earl grey.  What made it particularly smooth was the fact that it was during a meeting to announce my recent promotion to head of department, a job to which I was obviously oh so qualified, as long as it didn’t involve tea. I’ve walked too close to the road on the rainy way to a job interview & been punished for my efforts with a muddy shower from an overly generous white van man, thereby alerting my potential new employers to the fact that while I can file invoices with the best of them, I also do a fine line in drowned rat impressions. Needless to say, I consider myself a fully paid up, founder member of the Clumsy Club.

So what is it that makes people accident prone? According to Berkley University, medication, and alcohol obviously have an effect, as do lack of sleep, poor health & emotional stress. However these weren't so relevant to my 13 year old self, whistling out her happy tune in front of her teachers, fellow pupils & associated parents. I  did once read that women tend to be more naturally clumsy around their period, and also that a low level of education indicates a short concentration span, which can often lead to accidents.  I’ll admit to the former (if in doubt, blame the hormones), but as the proud owner of a 2:1 in philosophy there’s no way I’m copping to the latter, all that Kant & Hegel required some mega bucks in concentration.

Perhaps it’s just me? Or more likely, it’s that only I admit to it. But either ways, when I saw Madge take her tumble last night, I empathized. OK, hers was on a stage in front of the world’s media and mine was only in front of the audience of The King & I, St Anne’s Catholic High School for Girls, 1993, but regardless of that minor fact, I know what it is to hideously embarrass yourself but yet still get back up to carry on. So I salute you Madge, I salute you and your tumbling ways and your dignity in recovering. But please, next time you’re on the way to a job interview on a rainy day, I implore you, learn from this master and step away from the kerb.  That and never wear a cape, you’re only asking for trouble.