Lessons in life and hot Californians

So here I am, back in the UK and reminiscing on my travel of self discovery... I am back. And now that I've had some time to ponder, spent a frankly rather brilliant, if rather muddy, weekend at Glastonbury and enjoyed several nights In My Own Bed, now is the time to assess... what I've done, what I've learnt and where to go from here. 

Well what I've done is easy, had a mostly fabulous time, made some very fine new friends, seen some very fine new things, visited some very fine new places and among other things, pashed a very fine Californian boy. So dear reader, I think you’ll agree so far, so good. But as for what I've learned? Well, a lot, but you'll thank me for breaking down said lessons into easy bite sized chunks:

1. Swearing at Americans in an English accent is 

Pip pip what ho good chap!

essentially pointless. 

Let me clarify: unlike in the South African accent where basically everything you say sounds aggressive anyways, and unlike the Kiwi accent where the first thing Americans respond with is 'are you Australian?', swearing at a Yank in an English accent almost always produces the response where they roll over, bat their eyes and call you cute. No matter what you say, or what tone you say it in, most Americans when they hear the English accent, immediately think of either Dick van Dyke, or Downton Abbey. They assume a vast amount of intelligence on your part, discount the swears & somehow internally translate them into a sentence resembling 'morning guvnor, stick another sugar in my rosie lee & let's have a knees up down the Lambeth walk'/ 'my dear fellow, let me introduce you to the Countess before a fine afternoon of shooting the locals & smoking cigars, pip pip what ho'.

Needless to say, all swears lose their not so cunning power in the US, rendering them entirely useless in the face of American stereotypes, so whilst it may be fun to do, swearing becomes entirely defunct. So unless you really are the Earl of Grantham, don't even bother.

2. Distance does make the heart grow fonder

Clichés are often true for a reason, they have a grounding in fact, albeit sometimes only an ink

American tea. Just say no.

ling. But in my case it was definitely true. Whether it was missing my chums (which I did, A LOT), or simply a decent cup of tea (which, dear reader, if you have read this blog previously, you will know I have hankered for in the US for quite some time. I mean, I really don't get what the problem is! Warm water simply does not suffice. It needs to be boiling! Boiled! Piping! Not this tepid, half limp warm nonsense with a sad not quite Tetleys bag adorning the saucer. Really guys for people that invented the atomic bomb & the assembly line, it cannot be that hard to figure out!). But there were things I missed greatly and coming home to enjoy them has made them seem that much greater. So the point stands, the cliché is true, despite the upcoming caveat….

3. Spending time with family you haven't seen properly for an age is A Good Thing
My Dad lives in The States, an ex pat he is, but a firmly entrenched one. He loves the place and aint coming back to Blighty anytime soon, so when I took the opportunity to go out travelling in the US 3 months ago, Dad gave me a place to stay and a base from which to travel. Consequently I have spent more time with him in the last 3 months than I have since I was a wee bairn, and quite frankly this was a blooming marvellous thing. Now, you see, me and my dad are very similar, as my dear chum Lou said when she first met him, if I was 25 years older, a man, and somewhat more hairy, we would be exactly the same. And however implausible that entire scenario may sound (have never been good at growing a beard), let it just be said my father and I are as equally batty as one another and very happy for it too. So while distance may often make your heart grow fonder, proximity made this particular relationship bloom stronger. Ladies, treasure your poppas, cos they really are awesome.


4.  American supermarkets are a thing of wonder

Going down to Booty Snack town

I have previously espoused the comedy virtues of these churches to consumerism as I just find them fascinating. From the ‘ethnic vegetables’ aisle, to the ‘aisle of values’ (I couldn’t find morality anywhere, no matter how hard I searched) there is much to amuse. And don’t even get me started on the product names… Cheesy nips anyone? Booty snacks for all! Or perhaps just stick to a safe dinner of smoked pork butt. Then again, maybe not... But these places are a gift to comedic gods and can wile away the hours, for well, hours innit?  So, go wonder, tell the manager I sent you, and take it from me, pass on the pork butt.

5. When American men say 'can I be really forward?' what they really mean is can I jump your bones
It was an expression levelled at me at more than one occasion on my travels, and always meant the same thing... And really, no further explanation is required, but needless to say such chivalry (even if it did only thinly disguise randiferous ends) really was a novelty, and a good one at that, cos at least they are polite about it (Mr California, I'm looking at you here). Basically, British boys, listen up, the boob honk is not your friend, never has been and despite what you may think, never will be.

So these are my pearls of wisdom. They are my lessons I have learned. Are they useful for later life? Maybe. Good to learn? Mostly. What I expected? Not at all. But, dear reader, should you be visiting the US anytime soon, learn these lessons well and enjoy. Oh, and don’t forget to pack your own teabags and always, ALWAYS, smile sweetly at the Californians. Especially the hot ones.

California, home of Big Things