So I see this week that Cheong Choon Ng has pocketed himself a neat $80m and consequently, being relatively skint of pocket and much endowed of time, I am not only much jealous (oozingly jealous to be frank), but also wondering what I can be doing to emulate such success, and pronto. 'But who is Cheong Choon Ng?' I hear you cry dear reader! And what has he done to amass not only such a vast fortune, but indeed dear Sophie's eternal jealously. Well, let me explain to the uninitiated out there, for I myself could be counted among your number quite recently.
To be put simply Cheong Choon Ng is the scourge of parents, health & safety officers and teachers the world over. He, my friend, is the inventor of a recent craze called the Loom Band. Now, if you are anything like myself, by which I mean footloose, fancy free and unencumbered by small biologically derivative persons, then you may not yet be aware of this craze that is sweeping the playgrounds of the globe in a fever of elasticated frenzy, and even less so its inventor. So let me explain...
Loom bands are basically cheap, multi coloured elastic bands which anyone with the dextrous fingers of a 5 year old (or an underweight hipster model) weave together on a board to form a wrist band, key fob, or any number of stretchy, multicoloured, elastic products one can think of. Apparently (well according to the Daily Mail) they have TAKEN OVER THE WORLD with even Duchess 'hold the front page cos she's only gone and got herself a new dress from Zara' of Cambridge sporting one. Mr million dollar Ng invented said board, apparently in an attempt to 'get down' with his 2 daughters who had previously merely loomed using their tiny wee child hands, with which his chubby adult sized hands could not keep up. And lo the board was born *cue jingly jangly capitalist type hymn*. Needless to say, by the time he had got round to inventing said board, pimping prototypes to Dragon's Den* and making himself his very own cottage industry, his daughters had probably moved onto an entirely new craze and were much less impressed by his innovation than the $8m (yes $8 sodding MILLION) boost it had brought to the family bank balance.
Much like you, dear reader, I might forever be ignorant of this craze were it not for the sweet faced daughter of a friend of mine (lets call her Ellie, as that is, after all, her name) asked me to weave her one. Sure, I thought. Why not entertain the kid. How hard can it be? Needless to say, that was the last calm, coherent thought to cross my mind for quite some time..... 2 hours later, after having sworn repeatedly at an 8 year old on YouTube (call that an easy design? I’ve seen easier designs in the V&A you little brat!), cut off the circulation of my index finger, and having taken many, many cigarette breaks (yes Ellie, Auntie Sophie is just going outside to, ummmm, look at the sky) I was very little better off. Yes, I had constructed a glow in the dark, alternating blue and pink fishtail designed loom band (so the YouTube starlet smugly told me) of which Ellie was VERY proud, but on the whole, what I was left with was a distinct feeling of inferiority. Not only to the 8 smug, ambidextrous 8 yer old you tuber, but also to Mr Ng who had the foresight to invent such a cheap piece of tat that has now raked him in such a whole boatload of cash.
So, whatever next for the crazes of the playground world? And where can I get me some of that $8m pie? Sellotape knitting? Sticky, but certainly we all have a spare roll of the that stuff knocking around at home to entertain the kids with. Or perhaps a line in millinery, using just the circular waste clogging up the average hole puncher, cos goodness knows there is no point to those. Or maybe an empire of toilet paper papier mâché rucksacks? Easy for any kid to make, with the added bonus of the next year being able to laugh at the hipsters at Glastonbury whose ironically kid coutured backpacks have just melted in the rain. Well frankly, I'm not sure. But just remember, if you see a sticky, see through dress, clinging to the non existent breasts of any stick thin model sashaying her way down the runway of Paris, Milan or London (or indeed across the playgrounds of Birmingham, Cardiff or Scotland, the kid friendly version, natch), I'll take that $8m dollars please. Cash, not cheque.
*artistic license employed
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