Putting my money where my mouth is

I’ve done many terrifying things in my life… I’ve had a go at flying planes, in fact I’ve even jumped out of planes (albeit strapped to a very fine specimen of South African man beef). I’ve done public speaking batting only the mildest of eyelids, and heck when I was suffering from an (as yet undiagnosed) inflamed appendix aged 13 it had at one high-fevered delirious point, crossed my mind that the cause of all my stomach pain was that I was the next virgin birth. I blame the Catholic upbringing for that last one, but needless to say I have faced my fears, however over the next 2 months it is time to face some more…. The Dentist.

Yeah, cos that TOTALLY makes me 
trust you more! Idiot.

I’ve been terrified of the dentist as long as I can remember. Having had my teeth pulled, prodded, filled and poked for years, I have developed an intense aversion to our fang-tending friends. So much so, I must confess *hangs head in shame* in recent years, my mother has taken to treating her 34 year old daughter in a manner akin to a 5 year old, namely, by coming along to offer sympathy & hold my hand. OK, maybe not literally hand holding, but let it be said, when I book my dental appointments, more often than not, I check my mum’s availability first. Pathetic isn’t it? And before you say anything, it’s not the pain I fear. Sheesh, I can cope with PAIN! The 13 year-old appendectomy survivor within me scoffs at mere pain! No, it’s all the poking and prodding I don’t like. The not knowing what’s gonna happen next, or where in my mouth will suffer the next onslaught of drilling, scraping, jabbing or pulling. It’s the being completely and utterly at someone else’s mercy, while flipped with your feet in the air, blinded by a torture lamp that is more often seen at your friendly local, CIA black site.

Ian, with his 'successful' extractions

So no wonder I’m scared of dentists! And that’s before we even start talking costs… Apparently the UK has some of the highest dental costs in the world, and the highest overall in Europe, according to Keith Pollard, chief executive of health-care publisher Intuition. I guess this explains why there is a rising trend in home dentistry in the UK, with DIY dental kits are being sold in record numbers. Just earlier this week, several newspapers featured the story of army veteran Ian Boynton who, unable either afford private treatment or find an NHS dentist, has extracted 13 of his own teeth since 2006 using no more than his trusty, rusty pliers, a thought which fills me with more horror than house spiders (which says A LOT). Naturally, he has only managed to extract said teeth & not replace them, leaving him with the gappy-faced grimace of a 18^th century sugar baron, not a look which I wish to try to pull off.

So where does that leave me? Well, my fear of dentists still remains, as do my next four appointments over the next two months, which (should) successfully root canal & crown my recently cracked tooth. However do think of me in June, although I may not be smiling as I stare into the cavernous gape of my now empty bank account, at least I’ll have my teeth all fixed & gleaming, ready to take on the next toffee apple that comes my way… Unlike poor Ian.