So here I am, with all the
time that I have available to me (well, that which is currently not taken up by
pool rage incidents naturally, see previous post for more details) and in both
an attempt to fill said time and acquire a new life skill, I have decided to
learn to drive. Now, I am sure that most of you dear readers did the eminently
sensible thing in learning many years ago when your brain was wide open to new
skills and you were not blessed with the rather adult concept of fear. You were
wise, dear reader, wise indeed. But aged 17, unfortunately I was less so,
something I have now learned to regret.
I’m not sure why I never
learned, possibly to do with the fact I grew up in London and thus saw no need
to acquire automotive related skills, as well as a distinct fear of operating
free moving vehicles, which had only been compounded by a dismal
attendance 2 years previously at a
‘sailing proficiency’ course… By the way, seriously parents? Sailing? In
London? The only event in which I’d ever need to draw upon those skills would
be whilst being forced to capsize a 1 woman boat in a rancid east London
reservoir, which coincidentally was the culmination of said course thus
creating what I like to think of a self fulfilling sailing prophecy. Needless
to say such fulfillment involved a near drowning & much resentment from my
bedraggled 16 year old self who knew said course was a bad idea in the first
place.
So needless to say, having
reached the ripe old age of 34, and having enjoyed a recent sojourn to the states
(AKA the United States of Ameri-car) powered entirely by public transport, I
have decided this is My Time, the open road is calling me. Now, back in the
day, it seems to me that learning to drive was relatively easy. Or so those who
passed their test 20+ years ago have informed me… Out for a few lessons with
one’s ma or pa, pass your test and off you go. Nowadays, much to the amusement
of my chums and elder family members, there are many more hoops to be jumped
through, or perhaps one should say, road humps to be driven over (whilst
maintaining a steady speed and course dontcha know). One of said humps involves the introduction of
the Hazard Perception Test, which sounds just about as fun as it really is. In
said test one is shown 14 video clips which all feature at least one
‘developing hazard’ which one identifies with a simple click of their mouse.
Let it just be said, if one is expecting some kind of Driving Standards Agency approved Grand Theft
Auto, one will be sadly disappointed. Never a duller video has been seen. The greatest excitement occurs when a milk float veers excitedly into your path
(who orders milk to be delivered nowadays anyways?) or a pedestrian dashes
across the road unexpectedly. And also, further disappointment for all you GTA
fans out there, the act of stepping out of ones video car to smash said
pedestrians head in the door in is greatly frowned upon by the DSA, so please do hold yourself back.
In addition to the Hazard
Perception Test, there is also the better known multiple choice
test, where one must score a minimum of 43 out of 50 questions correctly. Quite
a high pass rate, but for something as serious as driving a potentially life
threatening weapon out on the roads, understandably so. There are a range
of topics to cover, from driving attitude, to dealing with road incidents, as
well as the rules of the road (with MANY many more in between). Most were relatively straightforward, though I
did encounter my very own (ahem) blind spot in my learning…. studs on the road,
commonly known as Cats Eyes. I think it
was the use of the word stud that proved the sticking point. Whereas the
correct answers on identification revolved around the colours red, white, amber
and green, my hapless brain kept on picturing Tom Hardy, Johnny Depp, Ryan Gosling
and Jon Richardson (don’t judge me people, there’s a lot to be said for a man
in a fine cardigan).
 |
| Blimmin tractors... I knew we shoulda planned an alternative route |
But I digress. Where was
I? Ah yes, the questions. Now, whilst
revising feverishly (well, maybe not quite feverishly, but at the very least
tepidly) for said theory test from my handy Theory Test Kit, most questions seemed entirely grounded in fact
and sensibility. But every now and then, one of these question comes along that
not only makes one literally LOL, but also makes you question the sanity or
intelligence levels of your fellow theory test compatriots. Whether it’s
questions on why one might plan an alternative route (please note, answer is
not because one might encounter a tractor, a seriously low risk option especially when driving around my home town)
or those on the effects of alcohol on one's driving skills (colour blindness is
offered up as a possible consequence, which I guess gives some credence to the
origin of the term ‘blind drunk’) one really does worry that some people might
be picking these answers. Does it really
make sense that the Driving Standards Agency approve of someone who thinks the appropriate response
to another driver whose behaviour has upset you is making a ‘hand gesture’ or
‘shouting abusive language at them’? I
think not (all the while picturing a DSA employed Obi Wan Kenobi telling me
‘these aren’t the reactions you are looking for’. Hey, there’s a new, entirely
non-catchy meme for you, I won’t charge).
Instead, what they are looking for is sensible, measured, intelligent
(mostly) drivers with a good awareness of the roads, their car and the risks
that both pose.
And have they got them?
Well, judging by some of the driving that goes on round my neck of the woods,
not always. Though what they’ve now also got on their roads, is a new driver, with
her successfully passed theory test certificate grasped firmly in her sticky
little fist, ready, if not raring to go. So practical driving lessons here I
come! I’m enthusiastic, slightly uncoordinated (but willing to learn) with only
a slight fixation on Tom Hardy, and really, the DSA can’t ask for more than
that….
Can they?
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