Anyone for some smoked pork butt?

The essentials in life

What my trip over to this side of the pond is showing me, is that it is not perhaps the Big Things that highlight the differences between the UK and the US, but the small things. It is the minutiae of life that highlights just how different these two countries are. Yes we speak the same language, and yes we rip off each other's TV shows (with minor tweaks, naturally: Jersey/Geordie Shore anyone? Can't wait to see a US version of The Valleys. All inflatable sheep shagging and wild hair, though on second thoughts, they may have already done that in  Duck Dynasty) citing similar audience preferences. And of course, lest we forget the 'Special Relationship' to which leaders on both side of the pond pay great heed. And by great heed I mean none whatsoever from the US side, and whiney, pleady, lets meet out the back for 2 minutes as the president takes a quick exit through the kitchens from the UK side. But it is the small things that delight, astound, intrigue  and sometimes purely disgust me, and none more so than at the US supermarket.

You see, American supermarkets are for me a thing of wonder. 'Fancy a trip to Shop Rite?' Dad bellows up the stairs as I scamper excitedly down. Yes Dad. Hell to the mega yes Dad. For American supermarkets are like some kind of twee, weird shopping nirvana for infantile curious minds like mine and I can spend hours getting lost in them. Take, for example the Ethnic Vegetable aisle. Not only does this aisle host a delight of culinary offerings from around the world, including from our fair British (ahem) Aisles, from HobNobs & Oxo cubes (neither vegetables, but let us not quibble here) to what I like to call 'proper tea', but also edible delights from China,

I'll have some cup cakes, with a side
portion of diabetes, thanks

 Thailand, Mexico and other assorted non red white and blue flag waving countries. However, I think my favourite discovery on this aisle is what I can only term Jesus candles. Yes, dear reader, apparently now a wax luminary featuring the face of Jeezy Creezy (sometimes with, sometimes without, dear Mama) is an edible foodstuff according to the supermarket aisle names, and a vegetable no less. Not sure I'd want them to be one of my 5 a day, but thanks Shop Rite for keeping me informed of the possibilities.

Gluten free?? I should hope so,
it's pork! 

Also, another thing that has struck me as somewhat odd is the concept of the glistening vegetable. Yes, that's right, I said glistening. You are reading this correctly. Let me explain…

The glistening greens, all freshly,
umm, glistened

Ok, so there I was, wanting some of me 5 a day that didn't include biblically inspired waxy offerings, hand outstretched for the finest broccoli head that the supermarket had on offer, when a sharp 'pssst' noise appeared from the aforementioned broccoli, and my hand was immediately drenched. I jumped back, exclaiming at said broccoli, more disturbed than in wonderment at the apparent ability of American vegetables to urinate over my hand unexpectedly (well, any vegetable urination is unexpected I guess, except maybe in courgettes, I wouldn't put anything past a courgette, even if it has been rechristened a zucchini. Awful vegetable.) Anyways, I soon figured out I had not been peed on by a vegetable, but instead been inadvertently sprayed by what I can only call 'the vegetable glistener'. What the holy heck I hear you cry (well, I don't, but I like to make up these imaginary reader voices in my head sometimes, and trust me dear reader, you are VERY well spoken) yes, that's right, a VEGETABLE GLISTENER! 

Mmm, they sure know how to sell it!

You see, in the US they like to spray their vegetables. Not in the field, though am sure that happens too, but right there in the shop! For why, I do not know, I could only think keep them shiny and glossy? One bright & generous yank said its to stop them from drying out, but really? Have never seen a dried out husk of a parsnip down my local Sainsburys but perhaps I am just fortunate. Quite besides the point that it gives ignoramuses like me a shock, making them think they've been peed on by a rogue cabbage, its pretty grim, surely it makes them all, well, soggy? And no one wants a soggy iceberg. It just becomes a sogberg, prone to dispensing that unfortunate salad slime one gets after leaving them in the fridge past their eat by date. And no one wants that. So be warned dear reader, and take not the fright that I did. Learn this, peeing vegetables are unlikely, but a soggy bunch of coriander (ok, cilantro if I must) is far more probable. Ugh!

Fish AND Poop? Lucky me!

And speaking of ugh! Trust me, there is a vast range of 'UGH' on offer. Yes, America is the land of the plenty, and after visiting one of these stores, don't you know it. And this can be a wonderful thing indeed. They have one aisle dedicated solely to 2 thousand slightly varied flavours of crisps (ok chips, since I'm here) and another dedicated just to the essentials in life (beer & water since you asked), there is almost everything you could wish for in this temple of gluttony, but plenty you wouldn't as well. 

Time for a grandma smackdown

Pickled pig feet? CHECK! Fish and Poop?? CHECK!! Actually that is a check, but I have no idea what it was, only got close enough to take the picture before running away, gakking.  Hot chocolate mix as promoted by a grandma who also looks like she has a successful sideline in contract killing? CHECK! A table covered in gaudy, implausibly coloured cakes that will either give you a rash or a serious case of the diabetes? CHECK!


Smoked pork butt? CHECK! (in other news, more gakking). There really is something for everyone here, which I guess is kinda the point after all. Because, whether you're into prostrating yourself before a waxy deity, or chowing down on a pig's derriere, then an American supermarket really is the place to be. Just don't forget to bring your umbrella for the vegetable aisle.