Just Rita and Bob and Sky Mall too.

An 'enchanting' Venetian singing pool gondolier.
Where do I get me one of those?
Oh yeah.... Sky Mall.

The plane taxis….  Seatbelts are fastened…. The engines rev…. A voice comes over the tannoy “I’m afraid we’re going to have to go back to the gate people, a light has come on we can’t identify and we’re going to have to get the mechanics out to look at the plane”. And thus my penance begins….

Handy kitchen roll charging points
for all Rita's girly friends when they
come to lunch in Rita's spacious,
iPhone friendly kitchen

I count myself fortunate for always having had Good Flying Karma. From days as a small person flying transatlantic, bugging air stewardesses to feed me more peanuts throughout the night (I bet they just loved me!), to sleeping most of the way from Sydney to London where everyone around me had a wide eyed glaze about them, I’ve always had good luck with planes. Until now….

Bob's best friend loves the smell of his
scented fire hydrant, why insist on walkies when
you can just pee in the corner of the room?
Ew.  

The first plane to Atlanta was late, my connection rushed, my book thoroughly read, when I jumped onto what was meant to be a 35 minute flight to Charlotte to see my aunt. However the aforementioned 'mystery light' scuppered my plan for a nice easy fly. Now, due to said book having been thoroughly devoured and all other entertainment sources stashed in the hold, what was I left with? An in-flight magazine featuring the words of wisdom from none other than the Kate Mosse loving, perma beard growing, Necker Island retreatist Richard Branson? No ta. Ever since I got wildly shafted by Virgin Media Customer Services some years ago, I have taken agin him. So what else was available to amuse me on what turned out to be an unholy wait for mechanics to investigate lights & give us the ok? The OK, which incidentally, was duly announced 2 hours later with the pilot assuring us no one knew what the light was for, but ‘rest assured, it’s not the engine!’ I was not assured….

Ahhh, so *that's* how Bob stays
in shape. Looking sharp Bob,
just keep your trousers on hey?

Rita rims.... Lucky Bob. Hope she
washes her mouth out. But she probably has
a Sky Mall toothbrush attachment for that

But where was I? Ah yes, bored and with nothing to read … A dreaded situation for any traveller, but one that was shortly to be reconciled as I delved into the seat back and chanced upon the bible of airline shopping....

the Sky Mall catalogue.

Bob Jr in the garden, reminiscing over
last year's magnificent holiday to
Easter Island.

You see the thing about Sky Mall stuff is that you are sure it is designed to fill a need. It must be, after all, why else would it be created? But the question is WHOSE need? No one I’ve ever met, nor I am sure, would I ever want to.  These people (and they must be people as these offerings are neither restricted by age nor by gender) have some rather peculiar taste, and judging by the amount of money Sky Mall must have to spend, the US is full of em. I can see the marketing meeting now…. Besuited bonzos in pin striped suits (these were the days before dress up Fridays, deck shoes and hipster beards were de rigueur in trendy marketing agencies), reeking of Brut and desperation, sweat beading on their brows as they brainstorm their way to oblivion, profiling their ideal customer. But who are they?

En route to his next sales conference, Bob
catches 40 winks on his oh so stylish inflatable
head cushion while all the other business class
passengers seethe with jealousy. 

Lets call them Rita and Bob (for reasons which will become clear). They are the owners of 2.4 children at least, Sue (she's gotta be called Sue) & Bob Jr too. Bob's best buddy is a dog with a penchant for scented fire hydrants who gets along spectacularly with their indoor cat, both of whom are ably catered for by all the pet paraphernalia Sky Mall has to offer. 

Sue lounges with her friend in the
living room,choosing one of 5
(yes FIVE) comfy sitting positions.
One of which appears to
just be lying down.

Yet more delectable garden 'artwork', either
that or Bob Jr has been struck down
by that Game of Thrones stoneyvitis disease.
Next stop the Iron throne.

Rita and Bob are not environmentally friendly, they thrive on plastic, and have a wide network of friends to whom to gift tat to (or tut as Lord Sugar would call it), they travel often (not always in style) and enjoy spending time in their garden (as long as they don’t have to do any actual work, for they are also inherently lazy, all that sitting about in 5 different positions does that to you).

Bob suffers from low self confidence, so what
better to build it with than a box which shouts
out regular acclaim, personalised of course....

Rita and Bob also have peculiar definitions of 'art' judging by their array of garden ornaments, from Easter Island heads to zombies (no one can accuse them of not having eclectic tastes!) and enjoy having friends over, whether for dinner (even though Rita’s taste buds are a little off kilter from all that cocktail glass 'decorating') or just to charge their phone on a handy kitchen roll device. But most importantly for Sky Mall, they have Money To Spend, and a pocket through which it is burning like St Elmo's fire.

Rita, fresh from some rimming, models
the latest in secure scarf wear.
Weighed down by all the
contents of her scarf pockets
her next Sky Mall purchase is a new neck.

Now I have never met a Rita or a Bob, but I like to think if I did, I could pick them out in a crowd within moments. And now you can too, just look for the bulging scarves, an inflatable head pillow & funny walks caused by all that ab toning underwear. They do no one any harm, and in fact single handedly manage to keep an entire company in business, but please, never befriend them. Not unless you want a house full of scented fire hydrants, odd statues and charm necklaces detailing the names of your nearest and dearest (perfect for those amnesiac friends of yours). And am sure none of you, dear reader, would want that… none of you except Rita and Bob that is.

Correct Sky Mall! it is indeed what it is,
cheap tut with a $19.95 price tag.

Why keep your soiled cat litter on
display in a regular open to the elements tray
when you can hide it under your towels?
Bet that really gives the towels a pleasant odour.