New Year, New You & other such nonsense

Another dollar another year, or something like that.... And while I still seem to be recovering from the nut buckling doozy that was 2016, time marches ever forward with the inevitable tedium that draws us all one day closer to our own deaths. So hello 2017. You better not be the fuckwit your predecessor was, or I'm gonna have to have words.  

On the whole it seems a case of same me, different year, with a momentary pause for reflection. Now I'm not holding aloft the greater matters of the year gone by for pontification, but there are some things that inevitably come with a new year... and I'm not talking hangovers. Yep, it's the fodder of January editions the magazine world over cos it's resolution time. 

Now, usually I'm not much of a one for resolution. It demands a framework for action, a plan, a commitment to 'something'.... basically not very me. However THIS year there's a difference. This year there's something new in the air, I can positively sniff it, and trust me, it's smelling peachy. What is it that is aroma might you wonder? That waft under the nostril that is tainting my January so? Well, doggone it, it's only the sweet smell of success! And I likes it! 

My very own scarfgasm

Y'see last year, last year I made My First Resolutions (ladybird edition), and wouldn't you know? I only went and stuck to em! I know! Amazing! Me, the ginger of very little willpower! But I'm not just resting on my resolutory laurels for 2017, oh no. This year it's time for more, and I don't care who knows it. Previous readers of these here witterings may be aware of my 2016 intentions, which included my determination to learn to knit as well as achieving great acclaim on the Fantasy Football pitch.  Although I may have dropped out for this year, I was positively thrilled with my Fantasy Football accomplishments last year (in which I only had a little help), but what about the knitting? Well my friends, colleagues, distant relatives, bare assed strangers (ok, maybe not the strangers bit) will all attest to my knitting prowess. 2016 was the year of the needle, with home knitted Sophington Towers scarves positively flying out the door. There were stripey ones, solid ones, red ones, black ones, green ones, ok, I'll stop listing here, but needless to say there were scarves making up the whole colour spectrum, all knitted by myself and gifted to grateful associates. Well, grateful might be overstating it, but people got scarves, and if nothing else 2017 is gonna be a whole load toastier for all everyone involved. But that brings me to resolution number 1, that of knitting. Goddamnit I'm gonna learn to knit something that isn't a scarf! I mean, scarves are all well and good but one's neck only takes so much warming, so it's time this girl learned to knit round corners and I'm starting with hats. There's a limit to how many scarves a world can take (or knitted boob tubes if you get creative), but hats? Now that's a whole different kettle of fish and it's time to get my pom pom on. 

The post death dive Kamikaze iPad

You might think one resolution is enough for anyone, but oh no. I'm doubling up, cos it's time for resolution number 2.... safe hands! Right peeps, I'll fess up. I'm a klutz. I fall up things, down things, over things, under things, generally fucking shit up with my blundering ways. Despite the great efforts of my childhood Irish dancer teacher, I have all the grace and poise of a baby elephant (or small heffalump as my dad aptly named me – cheers pops). Sadly 2017 has already suffered it's own casualties, namely that of my iPad who took a kamikaze death plunge from my hands this week, throwing himself out of my clutches, preferring the solid, calm assurance of a laminate floor. Unfortunately for Mr iPad, the flooring did not welcome such a union, choosing instead to attack Mr iPad with such violence that his screen shattered into a squillion different pretty patterns. Aww, laminate flooring, you're SUCH a dude! Needless to say, pounds are out of pocket, and little Mr iPad is off for repair. Hence resolution number two NO MORE BREAKING OF IPADS! No more Apple suicides! No siree,  cos I'm gonna be careful. I'm gonna be coordinated. These hands are gonna be safer that Seaman's (the footballer! Ew, you guys!), there'll be no more broken iPads on my watch! Or at least, I'm gonna buy myself a case, which in itself is a Very Fine Start. 

Don't mess with the LouLou

But why stop here? Two resolutions? Whatevs. Pussies. Bring on the third! 2017 is the year of the resolution and I'm blimmin well having it! And trust me, this one's epic, cos I'm getting meself a catchphrase! Now, the words in question needed discussing, I needed an outside opinion and who better to ask than my mate Lou?  Lou is a never one to keep quiet, she has an answer for everything, she's known for her 'bantz' and more often than not, it's downright filthy. However, she's not a catchphrase girl, with her phrases not really catching & more floating along on the breeze of her conversation, drifting in and out like a Harry Potter dementor. But after I had revealed I'd spontaneously busted out the same words several times on New Years Eve (no doubt fuelled by cider) she thought it was phrase that needs to be adopted sharpish. Since you're asking the phrase in question is the ever so modest (but entirely true) “I'm amazing”. After all where's a girl without a little positive affirmation in life? And according to Lou, it's got legs so that's it sorted. No one argues with Lou.

So that's me. Those are my resolutions for the year. So watch out 2017, you're the year of the hat, and what I don't spend on iPad repairs, I can invest in wool. And trust me, that's A LOT of sheep. And thank you 2016, not for your unflinching barrage of celebrity deaths, nor your torrent of political buffoonery, but for your ability to give me a resolution and help me keep it. You've been helpful, but now your time is over. Just step out of the way, cos it's my turn now, and I'm amazing....