The perils of a glossy box

First of all, a warning to those of you easily terrified by use of the V word (you wusses!), there’s a lot of it here, and if you don’t want to hear about them, look away now. Your delicate disposition may not be able to handle it, so go get a cuppa tea, do some gardening or entertain yourself with thoughts of anything non nether region, because you have been warned. And now, on with the show…!

*****

So. Vaginas. Who’d have em? Well, I would mine and frankly, what a way to start my latest blog. But something of the lady garden has enraged me and I can’t help but write about it.

The product in question

Let me take you back to my recent birthday. Some very dear friends cheered that woeful day with the kind gift of a subscription to the beauty website GlossyBox. A website which promises to send a monthly selection of 5 ‘surprise’ beauty products tailored specifically to you, as determined by an online beauty survey. So far, so good. I do love a good survey…. So I filled out said questionnaire, responding to queries on my skin & hair types and regimes. Lo & behold 5 days later my box arrived, containing my said surprises, namely: an eyelash primer, a lip crayon, a cleanser, toner and brunzer. It was a fabulous gift, if one can put to one side (and I do) the fact I knew nothing of the very existence of two of these products. After all, who knew eyelashes needed priming? Apparently they are now now the ocular equivalent of a wardrobe in need of upcycling. As for brunzer? Get outta town! But I digress…. The products were nice, and posed a new shakeup to my beauty regime, meaning I was much pleased with said gifting… or so I thought until I inspected the items more closely. Such examination revealed that while the toner tones the face, and the crayon paints the lip, it turns the cleanser is intended to cleanse & ‘purify’ (their words, not mine) THE VAGINA! And not any ole vagina, MY vagina! Oooh I got mad, real mad, and not to say more than a little confused, after all I’m pretty sure not one of the questions posed in the ‘beauty regime survey’ pertained to the freshness of my foof. But mad? Why so?

*mutters angrily to self*
Remember the historical
context

Well first of all, there is the rage inducing fact that this product was sent to me under the banner of ‘beauty products’. BEAUTY I asked myself, how is this beauty? A spurious assertion I raged! It could at best be described as hygiene, but even that is a pretty dubious, as experts the world over (or should that be under?) seem to agree that our VJJs do quite well without the need for such chemically products, thank you very much. The ingredients often upset PH balances, and frankly I can think of nothing more distressing than an upset vagina. A 2013 study even revealed that upsetting such balances with the use of ‘intimate cleansers’ (as they describe them) runs the risk of an increased susceptibility to sexually transmitted diseases! All this in a quest for a ‘pure’ pussy! If you’re looking for that love, get yourself to a nunnery I say, don’t come at me with your deodorisers, cleansers and purifiers, all marching under the banner of 'beauty'.

It must be said not all cosmetic companies are the same. I very much admire certain players in the beauty & cosmetic industry, namely those that are supporting ethical campaigns, fighting animal testing, veering away from rainforest reducing palm oil, and supporting ethical sourcing. And that’s to say nothing of the fact that beauty products can often empower women, giving them a well needed boost of confidence with a sexy scent or made up face. After all, there’s nothing better to use when facing a bad day, than a coating of confidence boosting war paint), however there are some companies whose marketing tactics & reflected attitudes towards their consumers are far more disreputable, and whose claims I fear are more dubious. A fear which backed up by a 2015 study which found that just 14% of claims made in 289 cosmetic adverts in the previous year, could actually be described as ‘acceptable’. Not even true, just ‘acceptable’! So those companies of fanny fresheners & confidence denters, don’t go peddling your intimate wash to me, saying it’s ‘gynaecologically approved’ and 'dermatologically tested’ like it should be an integral part of every woman’s daily routine, I’m quite happy with some mild soap and water thanks (as recommended by the experts).

Yep! Men are 100% odour free
*nods head wisely*

And that takes me onto the sexism. OH THE SEXISM! Gargh! Women's self-esteem is under attack enough as it is with the from companies using photoshopped unreals gazing out from every advert, Instagram page and beauty mag, alleging that our pores are too large, our hips too wide, our skin too greasy, our hair greying (I could go on, but I won’t… mostly cos I’ll run out of space!). And now our lady gardens are under attack too! It’s infuriating! And a realm only preserved from us here women, after all when was the last time you saw a ‘scrotum sanitiser’ for sale? Or a ‘penis purifier’? Or even a ‘bollock brightener’? NEVER! THAT’S WHEN! Only ever to the ladies is such twaddle (or in this case twattle) peddled… and has been for quite some time according to some of the advertising I’ve stumbled across. And at a time where young women are growing up with unprecedented levels of plummeting self esteem, rocketing self harm and increasing mental health suffering, the cosmetics’ industry manufactured worry of issue of having a mildly musty muff is one concern they do not need piled atop! This stuff should be outlawed! Or at least banished to the back of the bathroom cabinet, to stay there forever, gathering the kind of dusty disuse that the product vows to do away with.

I think a 'cool wind' down 
there is an entirely 
different problem...

So now my ranting is complete, what have I done about it? Well natch, I grumped online to GlossyBox, after all a modern day gripe is nothing if not manifested online. The response was long coming, informing me that beauty (there it is again) can be found from tip to toe, signing off with a suggestion I should have a ‘fannytastic day’ (PAH!), and so I took my revenge out in the way best I deemed appropriate… I used said product. Not in the location advised by the manufacturers, but in a fit of bathroom based pique, it was slathered everywhere but there just to prove a point. My box is quite glossy enough as it is thank you very much, you can keep your intimate cleansings to yourself you quite literal douchebags.

There's only one dodgy twat in this marriage...